Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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