I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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