I hope mine doesn't look like that
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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