I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
why do cheetos always look like penises
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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