I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
