if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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