I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
