I hope my margaritas pass through security.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
