You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
