This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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