dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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