I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
