You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Hippo gnu deer
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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