Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
