before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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