if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
