This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
what day is it and did you see me today?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
