I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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