I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
