The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
