Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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