wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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