i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
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