Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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