She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize