I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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