Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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