You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize