just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
