i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize
