i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
