I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you win again, gameday.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
