Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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