i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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