She announced her abortion via fbk
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
