well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
