His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize