pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
