Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
