My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I AM VODKA MAN
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
