That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
