What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
