I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
its liver damage thursday
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
