i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
