apparently the secret to your success is patron
Quick, to the slutcave!
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
