drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
