Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize