don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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