Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
