you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize