WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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