if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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