TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
