I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
