My liver just broke up with me...
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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