1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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