mondays should just be called national damage control day
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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