I wish I could punch you in the face.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize