I think i peed on brittanys purse
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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