you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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