I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
he just fucked me for my cheese.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
