Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
