I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
