Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
