I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I woke up under a house in Key West
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