Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
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